Do No Harm (But Take No Shit): Making Bold Choices

Do no harm. 

You’ve heard this phrase, I’m sure. It’s credited to the Greek physician Hippocrates, who penned the Hippocratic Oath that many doctors pledge to uphold. To “do no harm” and to “do good” are at the heart of medicine, right? Of course they are. You’d expect your doctor to do no harm when treating you, and to strive to “do good” in his or her practice. 

Side note: “do good” is something my kindergarten students used to strive for, so I’m a bit alarmed that the bar is set this low for doctors, but whatever it takes, man. (Increases skepticism of Western medicine….)

Anyway, the idea of not doing harm with your life is actually really valid. If you go through your days working to not harm those around you, to not harm the Earth, to not harm your children or your partner or your family; well, that’s a pretty great goal. If you up the ante to include “do good”, you’re actually bettering everything around you. This is a selfless, noble way to approach life, I think.

Until.

Until do no harm begins to suffocate you. Until do no harm starts to stunt whatever personal growth you’re working on. Until that phrase leads to settling (read more of my thoughts on this here). UNTIL YOU ARE ACTUALLY HARMING YOURSELF IN THIS NOBLE PURSUIT. At that point, you can continue to do no harm. OR, you can add the last part of that lovely quote:

Take no shit.

“Do no harm, but take no shit.”

Moira Fowley-Doyle, Spellbook of the Lost and Found

Let’s think about this. You decide to wholeheartedly subscribe to the do no harm philosophy. You toss the do good part in there, too. And this works for you! You trot happily along in life, not harming others, helping where you can, making it work. 

But what happens if and when you become unhappy? What happens when this life mantra starts to harm…YOU? 

Friends, I propose this idea works great if you promise, right up front, that the first person you don’t harm is YOURSELF. 

Do no harm at work looks like working your hardest, doing your best, and being proud of what you’re accomplishing. But you have to be mindful of not being a doormat. If you’re making choices that benefit others but hurt you, you need to add in the second part: take no shit.

Do no harm in marriage looks like compromise, communication, and love, but again, not being a doormat. If everything is always “fine”, or if you’re settling and compromising your values or your wants and needs, then you need to add the second part: take no shit.

Do no harm with your children looks like putting their best interests first, making sure their needs are met, and loving the hell out of them. But if you’re finding that you are at their beck and call constantly, or if you’re mopping up their messes (literal or otherwise), or if they are running over you and your boundaries, then you need to add the second part: take no shit.

Do no harm with your big old messy family looks like accepting them for who they are, not who you wish they were. It looks like avoiding certain conversations and situations that you know may result in conflict or hurt feelings. If your family decides they know what’s best for you, though, and it’s contrary to what you know in your heart, it’s time to add that second part: take no shit.

You can add this in a way that actually does no harm, though. You don’t have to come out with guns blazing when Uncle Stan once again tells you how you need to vote in November. You don’t need to ground your children for life or ship them off to boarding school. You probably don’t need to quit your job or get a divorce if things go off the rails there. 

What you DO need to do is set clear boundaries and make some bold choices. 

Did do no harm get out of hand at work, and now you are feeling like a doormat? Set some boundaries. Say no to the things that are harming YOU. This may upset some folks, and that’s okay. Remember, the first person you promise to do no harm to is yourself.

Did do no harm get out of hand at home? Do you find yourself always bowing to the whims of your spouse and/or your children, putting yourself in the backseat more times than you can count? Speak up, girl! Start with one small phrase that will come out of your face that will allow you to express that you are taking no shit. Maybe it’s asking for help with the dishes. Maybe it’s telling your kid that they will have to find a ride or not go to the Very Important Social Thing because you’re not available to chauffeur tonight. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have an oath to uphold to yourself. Do no harm applies to you, first.

Did do no harm get out of hand with your family? Does your lovely clan think they can tell you what to do all the time, and that you must listen and obey what they say? Time to draw the line. A polite, “Thank you for your opinion” and on your merry way you go. Remember, your first job is to not harm yourself.

You do no one any good by harming yourself. You do not owe them your happiness or your morals. If you think this is true, stop right there. Go back to the top and start from the beginning. Please.

You guys, we are conditioned from Day 1 to put everyone else ahead of ourselves. To stay quiet and content, even while our insides are boiling. To say, “It’s fine, it’ll be fine” when we know in our hearts that we are being steamrolled right there in our shoes (this happens to me quite literally every damn day). We are taught that this is womanhood, this is motherhood, this is wifehood, this is what’s good. And it puts the lights out on our lives and our spirits.

Do no harm, but take no shit. There’s a life mantra if I ever heard one. 

Take care of those around you. Love them hard, work for them, fight for them. And the person closest to you is YOU. Do this work on yourself first. The rest will come. Easy? Um no. Necessary. Hell yes.