Unapologetically YOU

Friends, I’m struggling. Can I tell you about it? Let me know if you can relate.

The good news: I feel like I am really getting to know who I am, what I want, and how I want to live my life.  This is an amazing feeling–one that I don’t think I’ve ever had before in my entire life.  I am really good at recognizing the things I cannot do (read about some of them here), and I am working my way into recognizing the myriad of things I do really well.  Paying attention to all the ways I rock every day is something that’s difficult for me for sure, but I’m getting better at it! Slowly but surely, I am digging into what makes me tick, and I LOVE it.

I’m figuring out what I like.  What I don’t like.  What I’ll tolerate and what I won’t.  What I THOUGHT wasn’t okay because of social conventions, and what I now realize completely works for me.  Basically, I’m rediscovering my core value structure and what makes me ME. And now here comes the problem.

I am struggling mightily to actually live it.

Knowing how you want to live your life and actually living it that way are two completely different things.

Let me give you an example: I got my nose pierced last summer (I realize this seems like a little thing but for me, it wasn’t).  I had been wanting to do this for over a year, but I never made the leap.  Finally, at the end of June, I decided I was done putting it off and making excuses, and I actually did it! And do you know what? I FREAKING LOVE IT!!!! I don’t know why I took so long to come around to the idea, because it totally fits me and my personality.  It basically rocks.

But guess what? I didn’t tell my mom that I did it.  For like seven weeks.  We live far apart and so she hadn’t seen me in person, and I was really scared to tell her. I thought maybe she would be mad, or disappointed, or judge me about doing it.  Finally, after changing my Facebook profile picture, I had to make the leap and tell her.  And do you know what happened? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  She was fine with it (this should not surprise me–she’s amazing!!!).  Why did I worry for so long about telling her? I’ll tell you why.

We are TERRIFIED of being judged.

I have met a few people in my life who don’t care what others think about them, who live their lives the way they want to, and who are unapologetically who they are.  I have a fierce admiration for these people, because they are BRAVE.  Me? I find I fight this issue every damn day.

Will they still like me? Will they still respect me? What will they think? What will they say? What if they don’t want to be around me anymore? What if they think less of me? What if it makes a fight? What if it makes me sad?

Does this thought process sound familiar? Does it sound exhausting? I bet the answer to both of those questions is a resounding yes.

The reason this thought process even exists in the first place is because at some point in the past, we have all been burned for being authentic. As much as I work at it in my mind, when I put it into practice, it doesn’t always work out the way I want it to.

Here’s an example: About a month ago, I was being treated less-than-respectfully by an acquaintance.  Not a good friend, mind you, but a new friendship.  In the past, I would have likely let this go.  Don’t rock the boat, I would have thought.  It will work out fine in the end.  But I didn’t do that.  I called this person out on the way they were treating me.  I actually stood up for myself, because I believed in my values and my feelings.  Know what happened? Ghosted.  Totally shut out.  Was I a little bummed? Sure–it’s not easy having a friendship end, even if it’s new.  But I was also pretty proud of myself.  I actually stood up for myself, my feelings, and I demanded respect.  In the end, I am glad I got to see that this friendship wouldn’t have worked in the long run, and it was better to figure it out sooner rather than later.

This blog post isn’t one that ends with advice or a list of things to try.  It isn’t one that has a takeaway.  It’s simply a way to recognize that this authenticity thing is HARD. At least it is for me.  I am excited to find that I actually have some thoughts on my values, my likes and dislikes, my limits and my loves.  But it’s just really tough to live it out loud.

Here’s something that I am trying, though.  It’s not new by any means.  I think I got the idea off of Pinterest.  But it makes sense right now for me.  First, I ask myself to identify something that is important to me. Not in an existential way, like “love”, but specifically.  Then I check to see if my actions match what’s important.  If they do, then that’s awesome.  If not, then I know I need to make a change. For example, writing is important to me.  It’s extremely important.  But my actions weren’t matching that (see the lack of posts???).  So I knew I needed to make a change.  Step 1: I deleted the Facebook app from my phone (know what? don’t miss it).  Step 2: I have honestly dedicated time in the morning for writing.  Not dishes.  Not laundry.  Not social media. Not grading papers.  I can tell you right now all of those things are piling up around me like towering reminders of what I should be doing (thank you, social conventions, for the additional tower of guilt you put next to the bowls and plates).  But spending all of my time doing those things wasn’t leading me to happiness.  It wasn’t in line with my values and what is important.  It was choking out the very thing that makes me tick. So I had to make some tough choices, let some stuff go, and live in line with my values.

If a stranger walked into my house and saw the dishes in the kitchen, crusty from last night, and the pile of papers waiting to be graded, and the dirty bathroom that really should be cleaned, and all the other things that this mama feels like should get done, they might raise their eyebrows at me.  But know what? Living according to what you believe is important isn’t always socially acceptable.  It’s not pretty sometimes.  But if you are living your truth–what makes you tick–then does the rest really matter? I say no.

Why do I care what that stranger thinks? Or what anyone thinks?

You know, I can tell you why. Because being judged about our core values sucks.  Remember that friend who ghosted me? After I stood up for myself, they likely formed some judgments about me and decided to cut me out.  And while that’s fine–really–it still sucks.  I liked that person.  And they judged an aspect of my personality (one that is new and scary, no less) and reacted in a negative way.  It ended a friendship and honestly, hurt my feelings and made me sad.  It’s hard to live our truths and values if it burns us in the end.  Really.  Really.  Hard.

If you are struggling to live your life the way you really want to, I feel ya.  After wrestling with figuring out the what–what is really important to me–and the why–why am I making the choices that I am–I didn’t anticipate the how being so difficult.  But holy buckets it IS. So if you are at this point in life–the point where you’re working on your how–hang in there.  As Glennon Doyle says: We can do hard things.  Keep at it. I’m pretty sure it’s worth it.