Welcome to Lost and Found Mama! I have no idea to whom I am writing, because. . .
No one might read this blog. I am scared about it. I am scared no one will read it at all. What a terrifying prospect. That no one will want to hear what is in your heart. But oddly, this is not my biggest worry.
I am even MORE scared that LOTS of people will read it and then they will want to talk about it and comment on it and it might make people that I care about angry or hurt. OR that people will come to expect frequent posts and cleverness and witty things and insight and that they will realize I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. I must make it crystal clear from the beginning, dear readers, that this is indeed the case, so those looking for experience need not linger. I’m in this as a perpetual newbie (thank you to my daughter’s teacher for this lovely phrase).
In my mind, in my dreams, this blog will take off and in two years Matt Lauer and I will be discussing my new book on the Today Show. Then I will return to my home and be greeted by my darling husband and my clean children in my spotless kitchen. Somehow we are all dressed in white. And then we will go out to dinner because my writing has made us rich!
Okay, sorry. Thanks for the moment.
Here’s what it really boils down to, though, friends: What I am actually scared of–the root of it all– is that I will NEED to blog. The words will have to come out and then I will need to take time away from family/job/current state of affairs for myself. And then everyone will be resentful in the end. I might resent my kids for needing me so much. I might resent my hubs for not stepping up to help me or for not understanding. Hubs might resent me for being selfish and ignoring my family. And the kids might be sad because I am not paying as much attention to them. This is what really gnaws at my soul. I am a peacekeeper at heart, dears.
But this is the thing.
I can’t just wait around for my family and husband to stop needing me. Cuz blue moons and flying pigs. Not gonna happen. I do love being a wife and mom, after all. But I have to show myself–first and foremost– that I am actually a PERSON in here and not just existing for everyone else. I am a real whole GAL! I can’t continue in this life by simply going with the flow. There is a difference between being flexible and being a wet noodle, and I am definitely dangling on the pasta end of life. I will simply shrink away if action is not taken. And THIS is the scariest thing of all. Scarier than no one reading this blog. Scarier than lots of people reading it and knowing my heart. And scarier than the sacrifices I will need to make to write. I can’t let my kids grow up thinking that the only thing I am interested in is keeping a clean house. This is a terrifying prospect (partly because my house isn’t even that clean). They need to see that mom does more than laundry and dishes. Mom is a WRITER! So I hope that by beginning this blog, and by exploring what makes me ME, I will grow into this life instead of shrink into it. That my family will see a different side of me, one that is driven, creative, and perhaps clever. That I might understand what makes me tick, way deep down.
That by writing, I might just find myself.